IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE...
In becoming a mother I have felt so much desire and urgency to document the raw, unconditioned moments of my quickly evolving life. I have been recording the happenings that I wish to keep forever, through language, words … writing but I yearn for a fly on the wall to click the shutter on my camera to imprint the visual.
I shall share a few recent experiences I want to keep in my treasure trunk of memories, until the end of my time here.
It was 3 weeks ago and Bobby (my daughter who is 10 months now) had fallen asleep in my arms. It felt so sacred as I held her close, rocking in my great grandmother's chair. She was curled right into me, the way a child does when they lean in to be held, accepting, soft . . . receiving every ounce of love and comfort there to give. Usually she wanted to face outward, eager to see the world. This norm at the time, made the moment all the more cherished. I was feeling this desire to keep her in my arms until she woke. A conversation in my mind began to scheme the smoothest and quietest route to the comfy recliner down stairs where maybe I could close my eyes too. Then I decided, it wasn’t worth the risk of interrupting her sleep. I returned to the temperance of the moment to enjoy it while it lasted, then I tucked her into her crib and away I went. It was once a day from then on where I felt her playing the strings of my heart like harp, a sweet melody enticing me to stay a little longer, but I would always leave before the song was over.
It was the night before Mother's Day at 2AM. Bobby awoke very upset; this was unusual. I went into her room to find her crying and arms wide open, I scooped her up and held her close. She melted into me, and I into her. I hummed and rocked … savouring all of it, it was such a privilege to be a place of refuge for this wild, innocent, purely amazing little being. This moment, I would have loved to photograph. I know as time grows me older, it would be an image I revisit again and again to relive the untouched love of that moment.
She seemed to be asleep so I went to lay her back down and she started crying, arms out again. I couldn’t leave the room so picked her up once more and again we swayed… it felt so right. I attempted to lay her down once more and she came to life, reaching for me once again. Then I realized, this was my dream coming true. I took the opportunity and brought her into bed with me and my husband Brandon. She snuggled in so close. It was right where she wanted to be, and right where I wanted to be too. A pause to revel in the beauty of my life. Her skin on mine, and Brandon right next to us. A moment where I experienced potent certainty. A sense of knowing, and so I let it take me deep into the experience of this unpredicted gift. If I could have taken a photograph.
It was that afternoon, and Bobby’s 2AM night wake was catching up with me. I said to Brandon, “after Bobby is down for her nap, I am going to tuck in and have one too. You can join me if you want” and so he did. I was hungry for connection with him, we had both been quite busy with minimal meaningful time together. We had spent the morning chatting, playing with Bobby and sipping coffee. Soaking each other up. We were close in our bed when every breath and touch felt like an extension of our affection for one another. Expressions un restrained, gratitude so big… the knowingness awoke again. I would have photographed those intimate moments too. I know the images would help give patience to my heart when it longs for that certain type of love again.
It was a Friday night; my body had been wanting bacon all week so I had gone to the grocery store and found some. Brandon was working late, so it was just Bobby and me. I made us a pasta; it was divine! Extra old English white cheddar cheese, fragrant vine tomatoes, fresh pepper and smoky bacon. Such an incredible mix. I dished Bobby and I up in one of my favourite poetry bowls and we headed upstairs. She was naked and free in her diaper. We sat on the floor of her bedroom, window open listening to the sounds of life outside, fresh air trickling in while the sun sank lower in the sky. Bite by bite we shared, the best way to close a week, and open to the weekend. This would have been an incredible image, informal, intimate, unexpected.
It's not the beauty that comes from placed objects, tidy environments and poised expressions that move us, it's the love and connection that eludes from presence no matter the circumstance. Because isn’t that the meaning of life, to be truly awake for it?
These moments, when they look to simply find you. I had pulled my camera out to create a portal back to this moment, and Bobby happened to look back at me as I clicked.
