THIS IS US: The birth of the Foldens
THE BIRTH OF US:
“Pressure creates diamonds . . . breath into it, don’t resist it.” He said, my husband Brandon as I was feeling the intensity of being conscious while my body was cut open, and our baby was emerging. Waves of discomfort rippled through the tide of magic, enriching the beauty that was happening. He rubbed my forehead and looked deeply, reaching my heart through the portal of my eyes. . . Breath into it, don’t resist. In. Out. I felt surrender and trust return. The power of living each moment as it became the next. Temperance taking us closer to meeting our little one. I could do this.
It took some time for us to conceive our sweet baby girl, 16 months. I believed if anything was going to spark the miracle of a child, it was going to be love. So we kept our desire, soft and consistent - like an un-hushed whisper. Keeping faith in the grand orchestration of it all became harder as time went on, but I kept reminding myself to enjoy the journey. There was a strong and steady knowing that fed my weaker days, telling me we would someday have children. My work was in trusting the unknown of when. And then, one early morning that little test was the beginning of something much, much bigger.
I was 35 weeks pregnant. My husband and I had been preparing for a natural birth. Human bodies are brilliant, and as a female, I wanted to experience life coming through me into the world. I believed the purest and most natural way would give our baby and me the most secure foundation to thrive through her early life stages and my post partum period. There was a noticeably round body part nestled into my upper abdomen; we kept trying to determine whether it was a bum or ahead. . . an ultrasound dissolved the mystery by determining our baby was indeed breach. With high hopes, I embarked on alternative ways to flip the baby. I could feel fluttering and moving around, but nothing created the complete shift of a full flip. We had to try something else. We decided to see if we could manually have it done by a specialist.
My heart felt so unsettled while I sat beside my husband in the waiting room, fearing the birth of my dreams may not be possible. Moments passed and our time with the specialist began, she indeed confirmed this birth was going to be different than I had expected. The birth I deeply desired was replaced with the birth our baby needed. This was the first real-life scenario where my needs were longer most important. I was realizing the power of selflessness, of surrender. This unborn baby was already teaching me profound lessons. This appointment revealed my uterus to be shaped like a banana from the surgery I had undergone 3 years prior. I knew the procedure had cleared a pathway and left my anatomy different, but I didn’t know this different. At least I could wrap my mind around it. My uterus was holding her so snug she hadn't the room to flip. We were on a new path now. A scheduled c-section, I was still open to the rare possibility that she could flip all on her own before her birth date.
We set foot out of the office; my logical mind was in the driver's seat. I was thinking optimistic about what was and just had to be…acceptance. “Okay, this is where we are.” My heart hadn’t caught up yet. In the stillness on our drive back home, I felt a pressured heaviness well up in my throat, backed with irritability triggered by the air-conditioning and my husband's driving. These two things don't usually bother me. I inquired, “What's really going on here.” Tears began to fall. . . I was grieving the labor of my dreams, releasing the way I wanted our baby to come into the world, making space for the way she was meant to. I was so grateful I had time to process and let go. I extend my love to all the mothers reading, who didn't get that opportunity, and may you know that it is okay to have wanted something different. Allow yourself those desires and emotions.
I had time to recalibrate and restore our desired outcome, a healthy thriving baby… hoping this could happen in a different way, I prepared myself for the potential of trauma and a complicated less ease-filled post pardon period. I believed so strongly, that a natural vaginal birth meant our baby had every chance for its needs to be met. I was so attached to my own body's capacity to naturally give birth. I remember having tight reins on my mind, not allowing that critical voice to think of myself as a failure, or somehow less of a woman.
We were back to the drawing board, editing our birth plan. I knew with being awake through this major surgery, mental management would be most important. I wanted to keep my nervous system in rest mode rather than fight or flight, I wanted to stay in the space of love rather than fear. We met with our doula (Roxanne Danberg) and she uncovered another realm of possibilities. She really helped strengthen the connection and bond between my husband and me, empowering the emotional support he could give. I felt clear, held, and loved. I was back in a place of neutral surrender. We were equipped for a miraculous experience, beyond our basic needs being met; dreams were still about to come to life. . . I am forever grateful for her.
This new plan was unfolding in a way that left me feeling at peace. I am so glad I looked honestly at my emotions, allowing myself to process and grieve what I wanted this experience to be. This really cleared my awareness. Freed from the weight of expectation allowing me to experience this chapter without a filter of disappointment distracting me from the real beauty about to happen.
“Don’t worry . . . about a thing” Bob Marley sang as the team prepared to begin our procedure of birth. Two of the doctors singing along as they said to one another “Doesn’t this take you back” . . . My labor playlist was on random mode - although not random at all. I couldn't have predicted the order of music to enrich the moments that were happening.
“Curl your body over like you have really poor posture,” said the anesthesiologist as I dangled my feet off the edge of the bed, Brandon's hands gripping my shoulders. Falling into myself, I hung my head, my imagination wandered to the action happening behind the sensationless yet evident needle going into my spine. The song changed, and my focus was redirected to the simple yet profound beauty of nature. Tears began pouring down my face as I felt the vastness of life itself and the force that feeds us, how held we truly are . . . Pictures were painted by words as they dominated the melody; clouds . . . . sun . . . trees . . . water . . . my consciousness no longer trapped within the discomfort of what was happening—the serendipitous, unplanned perfection of the most suitable music playing at the exact right time. There was so much more happening than what our eyes could see, but I could feel it.
Deeper forms of beauty manifested through each layer of discomfort. Realities were coming to life that awakened my soul and fulfilled my heart like nothing ever before. How did I get so lucky . . .? I wondered, and this was just the beginning.
Our sweet Bobby Lil came into the world at 8:48 July 7th 2020. Within that tiny body, there was this pure, expansive, all-encompassing, presence that radiated through our existence bringing forward a love I'd never met before. She was perfect, as all babies are. . . but she was ours, a part of us, and we apart of her. An unmistakeable oneness. The early weeks that followed this bliss-filled day facilitated an elevated joy so sweet I will forever be changed. We didn’t need my idealized version of birth to receive the post pardon period I hoped for. The ideal situation took unexpected shape, leading us to a destination more beautiful than we could have imagined.
I hope if you feel wonder-some about why things aren’t working out the way you desire, that you soon can arrive at a place where you look back and discover they were always working out for you . . . even when they didn't seem to be.
